There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
