Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
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I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
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Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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