It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
