Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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