A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
