i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I am naked and annoyed.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
