I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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