Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
