I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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