you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
