my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The air taste purple.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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