I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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