I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
