i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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