mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
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his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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