I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
