My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
