I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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