I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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