I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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