this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
