I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
