My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
