Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
