his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
