Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
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He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
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Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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