Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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