i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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