I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
