My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
