Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
