Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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