How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
