I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
