I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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