i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
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she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
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They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"