i wish there were pregnant emoticons
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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