haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
Just general bites
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.