Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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