Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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