I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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