You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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