my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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