Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
