New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
