her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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