I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
