she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
