I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
