What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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