not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
