..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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