WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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