so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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