So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
