You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
