dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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