Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
