you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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