My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
